Embracing the Quiet

I’ve been listening to a lot of “Quiet” by Kina Grannis lately.

I’m now two weeks out from my gender affirmation surgery, and the words feel more relevant than ever.

The lyrics are in bold. Otherwise, these words are my own.

If I could let you in my skin
Then you would know the state I’m in
Feeling every question, every end

Most cheer me on and celebrate
commending me for my bravery.
Sometimes eyes tinge with concern
about things left unsaid.

I’ve felt both: 
the bubbly elation and 
the storm torrents of worry.

No one warns you about purgatory:
the border between ‘is’ and ‘will be’;
the razor-thin edge of
dandelion wishes
and the tearing of flesh.

Sometimes it's hard for me to see
Anything else but stormy seas
Set the boat on fire, set me free

There are no silver linings
in the hurricane inside my head.
Panic comes for me at night
and now I take pills for bed.

You forget what all of this was for:
the tears in the shower,
the fears of the bulge,
the hours dwelling on what’s not there,
the coward standing before the mirror.

Tiredness clings deep in my bones.
Chalkdust settles upon my soul.
Once upon a time, I’d give you my heart
but now I slumber in a medical haze.

How was I supposed to get by?
Pick myself up, say it’s alright, alright
I didn’t know it was fine
I didn’t know it was fine to be quiet, quiet

I sit alone at the bar
not making any conversation.
I’m too tired for small talk
I take solace in isolation.

I’m sorry if I came off too distant
I’m sorry if I’m being discordant
I tried my best to make the best
of what little me was present.

I never knew where I belonged
Searched for myself in every song
But I had it in the stairwells all along

I must be the one
to turn back the biological clock
strand by strand, gene by gene.
Correcting a misstep, a tragedy, 
a cruel game of chance
so long ago.

Like the day I came out of my mom’s tummy,
alone, I approach the floor.
My community, my friends, my people are behind me
but I must be the one to walk through the door.

How was I supposed to get by?
Pick myself up, say it’s alright, alright
I didn’t know it was fine
I didn’t know it was fine to be quiet, quiet
To be quiet, quiet

I used to feel sorrow for not getting into Hogwarts
now I know Hogwarts wasn’t written for me.
Anger courses through every cell in my body — 
I feel trapped in this holding cell of a body.

In a world filled with hate for me just being
So many of my sisters have stopped being instead.
I trek on this journey of a lifetime
in recognition of the thousands dead.

So many couldn’t live what I have lived.
So many couldn’t see what I’ve seen.
I used to feel sorrow for not getting into Hogwarts,
now a silent rage burns inside me.

How was I supposed to get by?
Pick myself up, say it’s alright, alright
I didn’t know it was fine
I didn’t know it was fine to be quiet, quiet
To be quiet, quiet

I walked through this earth of old and gray
Miles and miles past the mold and decay
Through the shit and the grime, there I saw:
A whole new world that filled me with awe.

The roaring in my head dies down just a little
A gale of wind twinkles past
In this peaceful grove, waters cool and sweet
It feels like I’ve finally come home.

Maybe it’s okay to not be okay
Maybe I’d stop thinking that’s a lie.
Maybe these cliches have some merit
Maybe I’m going to be just fine.

How was I supposed to get by?
Pick myself up, say it’s alright, alright
I didn’t know it was fine
I didn’t know it was fine to be quiet, quiet
To be quiet, quiet